I have done a fair number of weddings; I don’t recall many, but one came to mind as I reflected on the mindset of the Pharisees in this gospel passage. In my first parish, after their rehearsal, the groom asked, “Father, aren’t you going to ask, ‘Who gives this bride away?’” They were disappointed when I said, “No, that question isn’t asked in a Catholic ceremony because the bride is not property being given away but is an equal in the sight of God alongside you.”
Alas, the Pharisees did not accord such dignity to their spouses. In Jewish law, a woman was regarded as a thing. Jesus rebukes them for allowing divorce because of thehardness of their hearts. They defended their practice, claiming that Moses permitted husbands to divorce their wives and dismiss them, which sometimes they did, for rather trivial reasons. They viewed their wives as being disposable if they did not live up to their expectations.
In Jesus’ society, women rarely, if ever, owned property, and few had any means of livelihood unless they were married or supported by their children. For their sake and the sake of their children, marriages had to be stable. As one who cared deeply about the weak and defenseless, Jesus in effect was saying to the Pharisees, “Don’t even think of divorcing your wives!” He was speaking words of compassion, telling his critics not to cast their wives and children off into poverty.
Is his message still relevant today? Then and now, divorce was pervasive and permissive. We still have many divorces and it’s a touchy subject. We live in a world where people make and break promises, where they find it hard to keep commitments and where for any number of reasons they find it necessary to end their marriage and get a divorce. Despite its stigma, they viewed divorce as their only option.
Yet, even they know that Jesus is fundamentally right in proclaiming the sanctity of marriage. Blessed are the couple who endeavor daily to minister this sacrament to each other in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer until death do they part. Jesus speaks of marriage as the joining of two hearts into one by God, a single heart that loves, that lifts up, that mends other broken hearts, including each other’s when necessary. That is the mystery and wonder of the marriage covenant.
Still, the ideal falters for some couples. Statistics reveal that nearly half of all first marriages end in divorce due to causes ranging from poor preparation and/or poor communication to selfishness and as Jesus said, hardness of heart. We live in a highly pornographic and secular society, which mocks the sacredness of marriage, encourages infidelity and views sex more as a means of recreation than as a sign of one’s total commitment to his or her spouse.
True marriages falter if the mindset of one or both spouses is “What’s in it for me?” The consequence of that often is verbal, physical, and/or emotional abuse. None of which God has in mind when a couple initially exchange their vows. Rather, God’s hope and mine is that every couple enters into marriage, knowing that they are not in this bond for themselves alone, but rather they have bonded with each other to combine their growing love into the service of others: children, the poor, the future, God, and the betterment of society. A dedicated commitment to something or someone greater than themselves is often the glue that keeps couples together and makes them holy in the process.
Contrary to what some people think, anyone who divorces is still a good Catholic in good standing. Divorce in itself is not a sin. Many marriages fail because couples lacked what was needed to make their marriage a sacramental one and for some divorce may be their better option. Until proven otherwise by an annulment, however, they are still in the eyes of God married to one another. If they remarry without getting an annulment, they would be considered living in sin and should not receive Holy Communion.
The Church still holds fast to the ideal of a lifelong faithful marriage as being good for both children and society. To assist couples in making their good marriages even better, they could take a marriage encounter weekend, which provides them with tools for making their marriage even better. If however their marriage is tearing them apart, there is an alternative weekend program known as Retrouvaille, which could prove to be a lifesaving event for them.
We cannot soften Jesus’ words. Divorce is a failure but keep in mind we all fail at times to live up to the ideal of Christian life as found in the Beatitudes. How many of us live by them day after day? How many of us live by the ideal of non-violence and always turn the other cheek? How many of us will give away a coat when someone asks for our shirt? How many of us have never looked at another person with lust or called someone a name in anger? The fact is we all fail one way or another, yet we all believe in God’s mercy and forgiveness and we continue to live as members in good standing in the Christian community, endeavoring to respect all life from conception thru death. Why then should the issue of divorce and remarriage be treated any differently?
What matters is that we uphold the dignity of all peoples, regardless of their gender, ethnicity, race, faith or age. Many have been wounded because we have failed to do so. Today’s psalm tells us, “Blessed are you who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways!” For when you do, no one is wounded.