Despite what Jesus said, that people must not separate what God has joined together, many spouses have gone their separate ways for any number of reasons. Nearly half of the first marriages in this country end in divorce, either because the marital bond was severed or was never forged. Perhaps that is why many couples avoid marriage altogether and simply live together. I estimate that more than half the couples whose marriages I have witnessed were living together beforehand even though I caution them that a trial run is no assurance of a lasting marriage.
My younger sister, Linda, married her college sweetheart in 1973. When she and Art celebrated their 25th anniversary, she downplayed the significance of that milestone. I commended her, citing the fact that divorce is all too common. In today’s throw-away society, commitment is not so highly valued, which may be why many see divorce as an easy option out of a difficult situation.
In biblical times, marriages were usually arranged, a common practice until modern times in many societies. Understandably, not all marriages then and now succeeded in the manner that God had in mind when we are told, “the two of them become one flesh.” Adam perceived his relationship with Eve as being interdependent. Alas, that has not always been the case. In some marriages one spouse has dominated the relationship, thus diminishing the dignity of the other spouse. God did not intend for abuse of any kind to enter the scene.
When a couple stands before me to exchange their vows, I have them repeat the words. I tell them that these are the most important words that they will ever say to one another. “I take you for my lawful spouse, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” Anything and everything could happen from that point onward, but the two of them have just told me that they will cling to each other regardless of what happens. These words speak eloquently of the bond God has in mind when a couple fully commit themselves to one another in this awesome sacrament, which they promise to minister to one another all the days of their lives.
Unfortunately, not every spouse enters into marriage with the intent or the capacity to carry out the vows that are said. Many a marriage exists wherein one spouse is doing little or nothing to create or sustain the relationship so that the two can become one flesh. Despite the efforts of the other spouse, there really isn’t a marriage unless both actively seek to nurture their bond. They may live under the same roof but missing is the intimacy, the companionship, the affirmation, and the love that enables a marriage to thrive.
When one spouse chooses to be self-centered, a sacramental marriage cannot exist. Focused on oneself, that spouse is unable or unwilling to reach out to the other spouse. Recall the imagery of the body used in these readings. “Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” Adam said as he described his bride. Think of how interwoven the parts of the body are. Without all its parts, the body is limited in its fullest potential. Without certain parts, the body even ceases to live. The same is true for any relationship, as well as a viable, sacramental marriage.
Not all of us are married, but we are all engaged in relationships, hence the message of the gospel applies to all of us. Healthy relationships are what keep us alive. According to an ancient Islamic tale, when God created the world, the earth was as smooth and even as a fine plate. The devil was jealous of the beautiful earth God created so while the earth was still damp and soft, he scratched the face of the earth with his claws as deeply as he could. The devil’s scars created deep rivers and ravines that divided one place from another, keeping people apart, preventing them from traveling on the earth God had given them as a garden for their food and support.
Saddened by what the evil one had done, God sent angels into the world to make things work as God had hoped. The angels saw how people, unable to pass over ravines, could only look on in vain at one another. To enable them to cross from one side to the other, they spread their wings across the ravines. God’s people learned from the angels how to build bridges across the ravines created by the evil one. To this day, the greatest blessing is to build a bridge and the greatest sin is to interfere.
Like the angels in this tale, we are called upon to be bridge builders. We are called to bridge the chasms of mistrust and envy with trust and compassion, to heal the wounds that divide spouses, families, and communities with understanding, generosity, and forgiveness.
Forgiveness, a necessary tool for building bridges in our lives, really costs us nothing. If we are to build bridges, we need to forgive and to seek forgiveness. If we were more willing to forgive, our relationships would survive the test of time.
That Islamic tale offers us good wisdom. Unfortunately, we don’t always strive to build bridges. Instead, we create turmoil and conflict that leads to broken hearts, which leads to broken homes and broken lives. That certainly isn’t what God had in mind when Adam met Eve.
A good marriage isn’t so much about finding the right partner as being the right person, knowing that little things do matter, like speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. Like any relationship that is to thrive, marriage is about building bridges every day of our lives.