Jesus left us with a tough challenge. “I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another.” Hmm, how often have we loved one another? We like to think that we do, but most of us would be fooling ourselves if we made such a claim. We have friends whom we love but as Albert Camus once noted, what passes for friendship is often no more than an “effusion of feeling among people who get along together.” This is neither true friendship nor real love. This is selfish love, which seldom respects the rights of the other person. A selfish love withers and dies unless it is sustained by attention of the loved one. True love, on the other hand, seeks nothing at all, except the good of the other person.
In any relationship, sooner or later, there is bound to be a difference of opinion on a given issue. How the conflict is resolved can impact the future of that relationship. At a workshop on conflict resolution, I once learned how to look at the different outcomes of any conflict.
Ideally, the presenter said that we should strive for a win/win situation. Not my way or yours, but hopefully, our way, a better way than either of us had considered beforehand. Too often when two sides find themselves at odds, there aren’t two winners.
Instead, one side ends up the winner in a win/lose situation. “I get my way, you don’t get yours.” The other side is left feeling like the loser who now sees this as a lose/win situation. “Go ahead, have it your way.”
There is probably not a person here who doesn’t know the pain of what that feels like. No matter what our age is, I imagine we have all experienced being let down by a friend.
Whenever there is a loser, chances are that both sides will end up in a lose/lose situation, where neither side can or will feel like a winner. Years ago, a nun shared with me a story that shows how misunderstandings can lead to such a situation and unselfish love can turn things around.
“I hate, hate, hated my friend,” said Jill. “When I moved over on the school bus, she sat somewhere else. When her pencil broke in math class, and I passed her mine, she took Peter’s instead.”
“Ask her,” my mother said. “Ask your friend why she ignored you.” But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I’d rather die. What if she would say, ‘Oh, please, just go away. You’re ugly and dumb. Being with you was never fun.’ Oh, I hated my friend.
When it was her turn to wash the board, she didn’t ask me to help. When it was time to choose teams, she didn’t choose me. And when I made a basket and everyone else cheered, she turned away.
Oh, I hated my friend. When I went to walk home with her, she had already gone. When she took her dog out and I whistled to him, she put him on a leash and led him away. Oh, I hated my friend.
“Ask her,” my mother said, “Ask her why.” I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. I’d rather die. No, if that is the way she’s going to be, it’s quite okay with me.
“Ask her,” my mother said, “ask her and see.” I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. I’d rather die. But maybe….Oh, Jesus, help me! So I ventured to my friend’s house.
“You’ve been so rotten,” I said to her. “Why?” She looked at me as though she’d cry. “It’s you,” she said. “Last week, when I wore my new dress, Sue said that Jane said that you said I look like a freak!”
“I did not!” I said, “You look neat!” She looked straight at me for awhile and then we both began to smile. My friend said, “Hey, maybe tomorrow we can play?” “Oh, yes,” I said, “Okay!” I didn’t hate her anyway. I wish it were tomorrow right away!
One of the hardest challenges in life is to love unselfishly. To really love is to put the other person first. The Eucharist is a reminder to us of how Jesus put us first so that we could experience the fullness of God’s love here and now. Yet, how many of us can claim to love like that? A few kind gestures, a commitment or two, and we have a good conscience. We give a little of ourselves, a few crumbs compared to what Jesus does for us.
True love, like true friendship, is more difficult. Perhaps the deepest pain in life happens when our love is not returned. When we encounter no response for our efforts, then it becomes really hard to go on loving. We are inclined then to stop loving those whom we think don’t love us or we deem unworthy of our energy and attention. Not that we hate them, but that we refuse to make room for them in our hearts.
So long as our love remains self-centered, motivated by the notion of ‘what is in it for me?’ someone ends up a loser. Actually both sides usually end up losing. Real love, on the other hand, allows for everyone to be a winner. That is the love Jesus is demanding of us who claim to be his disciples. That is the love that Jesus demonstrated for us on the cross. That is the love made real for us in the Eucharist.