What draws us to live the Catholic faith is the deep awareness that God loves us unconditionally. Like parents who care deeply for their children, God wants what is best for us, thus God sets before us blueprints for best living life. Those who follow them discover the kingdom of God in this lifetime. Our Church takes the teachings of Jesus so seriously that she will take the risk of offending even some of her own members in order to speak the truth and do so with respect and love.
The teachings of Jesus and of scriptures touch every part of our lives, our entire human condition and yes, even our sexuality. These rich and challenging teachings always point to the dignity of the human person, a point Jesus reiterates in this gospel scenario between him and the Pharisees who are seeking his approval of divorce since Moses allowed it.
Instead of agreeing with them, Jesus observes, “Because of the hardness of your hearts, he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
The two can become one flesh precisely because God made us male and female. Blessed John Paul II observed that the very shape of our bodies as men and women speaks of self-giving and receptivity. Becoming one flesh is so real that it can result in the creation of a new human person.
Marriage matters much to God because it provides the well being of both individuals and society and that is the point Jesus is making here. Marriage provides for the common good of society by assuring the right of children to have a mother and a father. They come about when their parents become “one flesh.” Only a woman can be a mother, only a man can be father. Their intimacy, both physically and emotionally, impact the well being of their children. Without children, there is no future for our society. This is why the Church has been prophetic with regards to abortion and artificial contraception, urging spouses to be open to the procreation and raising of children.
Marriage is increasingly described as a fragile institution in our society. Divorce rates hover around 40 percent, with the rate among Catholics at roughly 20 percent. Instead of getting married, many couples choose to live together without making a public commitment to one another in the presence of witnesses and God. Something is wrong with a society in which divorce and cohabitation are becoming the norm instead of marriage.
Jesus could very well blame the condition of our society on the hardness of our hearts as well. So, what does that term mean? If a heart is hard, it cannot grow nor can it love. It is paralyzed. Vibrant relationships need hearts that can expand with love, grow, and forgive. Couples in truly sacramental marriages would agree with me on that.
In biblical terms, heart refers to understanding and judgment as well, so hardness of heart also alludes to closing off one’s mind and emotions from the truth. The people of Jesus’ day admired him for speaking with authority yet today that seems to be the one trait people admire least about him. They would rather be patted on the back than rebuked. However, if we were willing to listen to his wisdom, like a child listening to his or her parent, we can build the better society Jesus has in mind for our well being.
Having done annulments since becoming a priest, I venture to say that marriages fail when the spouses do not become the “one flesh” that God had in mind. Struggling marriages often consist of two individuals who entered into their union maintaining their individuality at the expense of seeking the common good. French aviator, Antoine St. Exupery puts it eloquently when he wrote, “Life has taught us that love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
Contrary to what some think, a good marriage is not so much about finding the right partner as being the right person. In a good marriage, the little things are the most important, like speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It’s having the capacity to forgive and to forget, which means never going to bed angry. A married couple cannot stand together and face the world unless their union is based on love, which is what binds that relationship for life.
Logically, a viable marriage thrives on the art of friendship with one another and with God. Bishop Robert Morneau of Green Bay, Wisconsin, asks, “So how do we make friendship a fine art? It is not simply that ‘the two become one flesh.’ It is so much more. Sharing values, sharing stories, sharing the joys and sorrows of everyday life. It is being patient and forgiving, compassionate and kind. Much grace is needed to make relationships work.
“St. Thomas Aquinas, a great doctor and theologian of the Church, maintained that grace is friendship with God. In the best of marriages, God is an invisible and real partner. To the extent that each person in the relationship is grounded in grace, in this friendship with God, the likelihood of a healthy marriage is greatly increased.”
Not all of us gathered here are married but there is a lesson here for us as well. Being human, God doesn’t want us to be alone either. By confronting the hardness of our hearts and turning to God as our parent, we can all make friendship a fine art that will enable us to experience the kingdom of God.