Paul takes us to the heart of the Christian message when he told the Romans “Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.” After twenty centuries of practice, you would think that we Christians would be experts at the art of loving. But the truth is, we have much to learn. Throughout his letters, Paul repeatedly talks about love, making the point, as he does here, that there can be no language of “mine” and “thine” in the world of love.
I recall reading years ago about a young man who knocked at the door of a house. A voice from within asked, “Who is it?” The young man said, “It’s me! I’ve come to ask permission to marry your daughter.” The voice from within said, “Go away! You’re not ready! Come back in a year.” A year later, the young man returned and knocked again. The voice from within asked, “Who is it?” The young man replied, “It’s us. We’ve come to ask your permission to marry.” The voice from within said, “Please come in! Now you are ready!” The language spoken in the realm of true love is “our,” not “mine” or “thine.”
There are basically two kinds of love–selfish love and unselfish love. They may look the same on the surface but they are very different. Selfish love brings death to a relationship while unselfish love generates life. The first time the young man came to ask permission to marry, his love was perceived as selfish by the voice from within. He said, “It’s me!” But a year later, his love was recognized as unselfish for now he could say, “It’s us!”
To deal with the selfish love in our lives, we need the model of God’s love. Many couples speak of their wedding day as the most important day of their lives but I tell them the most important day actually comes later, namely on the day when they recognize the importance of God’s love in their lives. So often, we love others conditionally, that is, with strings attached. I will love you provided you do this or don’t do that. I will love you if I get something in return. But God’s example of love is unconditional love. God loves us period and God invites us to do the same.
The fact is few of us love as God does. Instead, we impose conditions on our relationships and if they are violated or not met, the relationship is jeopardized. More than once, I have heard tales of selfishness in its many forms, from apathy to infidelity, leading to the break up of a marriage or friendship.
In one of his not so common fables, Aesop illustrates the dangers of selfish love. One day, a lonely unloved child was sitting by a wall when a toad emerged from a nearby cave. To attract the toad, the child spread out a silk scarf on the ground. When the toad saw the scarf, he went back into the cave and soon returned with a little golden crown, which he then dropped on the scarf.
He went back to the cave. On seeing the glittering crown, the child’s eyes lit up. She grabbed the crown and placed it in her pocket. When the toad returned and noticed that the crown was missing, he jumped to his death off the wall. The child did not love the toad. To the contrary, she saw that he had something she wanted and without a thought for the toad’s feelings, she took it.
Such is selfish love. The selfish lover uses the other person for his or her own gain. The attitude, which may be completely unconscious, is “the other person exists for me.” This is not love in the manner that Jesus or Paul speaks of. Sooner or later, selfish love causes the other person to close up and become less able to love in return.
Unselfish love, on the other hand, helps the other person to unfold. Unselfish love does everything in its power, even at the risk of coming across as uncaring, to encourage the other to come out of the cave and share his treasures with the world. Unselfish love has no desire to take possession of those treasures. Instead, the unselfish lover shows an active concern for the happiness, growth and life of the loved one. As the gospel makes clear, that may call for intervention at times. Too often when things are amiss and we are hurt, we keep silent or complain to others. Knowing that isn’t the solution, Jesus tells us that we must set things right not by worsening the situation but by seeking to build a bridge of forgiveness. He provides a good blueprint for us to follow in such circumstances. His plan may seem intimidating or even impossible, but it isn’t if you remember to include Jesus in the endeavor.
Soren Kierkegaard offers food for thought for anyone who thinks broken relationships cannot be mended. He wrote, “Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend. Love that has grown cold can kindle again.”
When we give our neighbor a second chance, when we say, “I’m sorry,” when we put the hurt behind us, then we can discover within us a potential for loving and forgiving we never dreamt we had. As one Welsh proverb puts it, “In every pardon, there is love.”